There’s a certain story that lands in the slush pile so often that it is a cliché. A woman (petite except for her enormous breasts, Asian or half-Asian or other “exotic” race) decides on a sudden whim to sign up for training in sexual slavery. A thin veneer of scifi is provided by mentioning that society supports legally-binding slave contracts. The woman is stripped naked and put through a “training” regime in which she doesn’t actually learn anything, but is subjected to every sexual practice that punches the author’s buttons (and in some cases, nobody else’s). Then she is sold off to the perfect master and lives happily after, pussy shaved and butt plugged, until she gets older and she gets stretch marks. These stories are always named “[exotic name]‘s Journey.”
These stories are tedious in the extreme. Anyone who can actually write will realize from my description that this isn’t much of a story. It has no plot and no character development, and often no proofreading either.
You know what I want to see in the slush pile? I want a story that starts exactly like this, except half-way through, the woman stands up, kicks her trainer in the ‘nads, ties him up with convenient bondage gear, sticks whatever phallic-shaped sex toy is at hand up his ass, and then lecture him about how he’s not fit to train a poodle, then escapes, naked, to the local Burger King, where she finds rescue and true-love in an egalitarian relationship with a fry guy with a long tongue.
If you can write a paradoy story along these lines, send it to lpbcirclet@gmail.com. The best submission will receive $10 by PayPal and whatever free porn I have to hand. I’m not sure what rights I’m buying just yet, but I intend to post it here and wherever porn parodies are welcome. The submission deadline is September 1.
Kneel to Me
Mate: And More Stories from the Erotic Edge of SF/Fantasy
Up for Grabs
Wired Hard 4
Wishbone
Oh, you’re bad. You’re baaaaad. You shouldn’t tempt me so.
Heh.
Heh.
Heh.
“It has no plot and no character development, and often no proofreading either.”
It’s that last one that always really squicks me. Ew…
I DO apologize!!! It appears that you’ve read everything I’ve written. I love the twist you’ve given my story! Perhaps that guy working at Burger King could be a Transvestite with latent unrequited Lesbian tendencies…That would work right in with the long tongue.
I LIVE fer your little blurbs…makes my day, thanx.
Hey! I’ve read that story!
(About a thousand times…)
And people still ask me why I don’t do anthologies any more…
So, just for clarity’s sake, after having read the comments … you’re looking for parodies, but not necessarily THAT parody. That’s just an example, correct?
So, just for clarity’s sake, after having read the comments … you’re looking for parodies, but not necessarily THAT parody. That’s just an example, correct?
BTW I love your blog!
Julie, I only have $10 to spend on this venture. Actually, $10 is stretching it a bit, but it still seems worthwhile for the entertainment value. Looking over what I posted again, I think I have pretty much written the parody already, so perhaps I should extend the contest to other plot lines.
Lauren,
Got a boring question for you. Do you have a word count in mind, or a preferred format other than “standard non-annoying format”? Also, pasted in the body of an email or attachment?
Thanks!
-Julie
No word count in mind. Please attach the story and put it in one of the standard non-annoying formats (.rtf, .odt, or even .doc, which is technically still annoying but I can read it fine with OpenOffice).
Oh my god… I just spit out my coffee laughing. Mainly at the fry-guy with the long tongue. Sounds right up my alley!
I wish I could write funny stuff… I’d attempt this. Instead, I’ll just wait and read what you end up publishing. Because I have a feeling it’s going to be fantastic.
Best, s.
So how did this turn out?
[...] may remember that I proposed a porn parody contest once upon a time. After an agony of indecision, I have chosen a winner–Julie Cox’s [...]