Of course, we’re not only talking about the female figure last weekend at the Fetish Flea Fair in Providence.  Cisgendered males can bare nipples without getting tossed into jail or getting the event shut down.  I saw some lovely bare nipples of the male sort displayed by a well-fitted under-bust corset.

Under-bust corsets are popular, possibly because they don’t have to fit closely and possibly because they are inexpensive.  On the other hand, they provide no actual support for breasts.  A woman with a lot of breast tissue who wears only a thin piece of fabric up top gets so much side-to-side momentum that I’m surprised she doesn’t slingshot into orbit.

Then there is the woman wearing a corset that sort of but not quite supports her breasts.  She could be wearing an under-bust corset that is too long so that her breasts perch on top, like pigeons.  Or she is wearing an over-bust that is too narrow at the top, with a similar effect.

I don’t think it’s true that there are people who can’t or shouldn’t wear corsets, but proper fitting is essential.  In the case of women with very large amounts of breast and arm tissue that squeeze out of the corset upwards, wobbling like the jelly eggs of an elder god, a shawl or some such would be appreciated.

I can’t read patterns very well.  I tend to get lost in the rows of knits and purls, and it doesn’t help that there is no standard notation for knitting patterns.  When I knit a sweater, I do something that is awfully difficult for most people.  Actually, it’s difficult for me too but less difficult than reading patterns.

I improvise.

There are books with basic patterns and even “sweater calculators” on the web that will tell you how many stitches to cast on, and that’s enough to get started with.  The complications come in when you want to knit a stitch pattern on your sweater.  That’s something that used to confuse me when I was new to knitting–there are two meanings for the word “pattern.”  There is the pattern for the project (sweater, scarf, hat), and decorative stitch patterns that repeat every so often.  It’s possible to knit a perfectly fine sweater with no stitch patterns, but I tend to find it boring.  I suspect that cables and other design elements developed because back when knitting was the only way to get clothes, plenty of knitters found knitting around and around to be boring, too.

Just like any commercial pattern is bound to have a mistake somewhere, a pattern I design myself will always have at least one, and probably more because I can’t perform basic arithmetic well.  It’s easier for me to go ahead and knit it than it is for me to draft it on paper.  That way I’ll find out which parts need more thought, diagramming and debugging.

The sweater has two patterns alternating across.  It looks like more, but some patterns are the same as other patterns, only with more repeats.  I can memorize an 8-row pattern, especially because most of the rows are the same.  But some of the design elements are larger and more complex.  They’re only knit/purl patterns, but 16 rows of knit this and purl that is way too much to memorize.  And for the first part of the sweater I have to knit in the flat, back and forth, so the knits and purls and the direction that I’m knitting will reverse the pattern in two directions every time I get to the end of the row.  Oh, and since I’m knitting this sweater top-down, it’s all upside-down too.  When I pass the armholes I can start knitting in the round, which will make the pattern easier, but I have to get there first.

By the way, there are some sweater design programs out there, but I’m spared the opportunity to find out if they’re worth the high price because none of them work on Macs.  Thus I make do with a spreadsheet to make a grid and a lot of notes in a wordprocessor document.  After finding all the mistakes in the pattern (oops), I had a compact set of instructions.  Now I just have to read them back over and over and not do anything dyslexic when I do.

I have a photo of what it looks like now that I’ve started the back.  The stitch patterns do not show up well, and I’m not a good enough photographer to fix that.

In case you are knitty enough to want the details, I picked up stitches along one of the shoulder straps, then cast on several more stitches, then picked up stitches from the other shoulder strap.  The plan is to establish the pattern and knit for several inches until I’ve reached the point where the armhole would end.

Following this really nifty construction method I found in a book on Aran sweaters, I will then pick up stitches for the front of the sweater, but instead of knitting straight across the front, I will form a V-neck.  Actually, that’s a bit ambitious, and I may end up with more of a U instead.  But I can improvise because I can use the back of the sweater to make a map of how to stitch the patterns with a neck-hole cut out of them.

The next part is to bring the front and back onto my long circular needles, casting on a couple more inches of stitches under where the armhole would be.  Then I get to knit in the round for the rest of the torso.  I like knitting in the round.  It makes the patterns much easier to knit.

The last step is to pick up stitches around the armholes and knit the arms, continuing the pattern from the shoulder strap all the way down.  Somewhere in there I have to decide on a “background” pattern which might just be seed stitch or might be something slightly more complex if I haven’t got tired of the thing yet.

Knitting is another fine option.  Thus I am recording the progress on my latest sweater project.

The overall design is a top-down peasant-sleeve aran sweater with saddle shoulders.  I picked up this design from Aran Sweater Design by Janet Szabo.  I recommend this book highly to people who can’t be bothered with (or can’t understand) other peoples’ patterns.

The sweater is also black, which makes photographing the cables somewhat difficult.  I made use of a handy square of daylight for this picture of one of the two saddles.

The cable design is called XO cable, which I love and hate in equal portions.  It’s simple, looks fabulous, and is subtle enough that I make mistakes with it every time.  However, I’m only using it in the shoulders/arms.  More later.

One of the best treatments for this sort of depression is cookies.

We’ve made a couple of batches of cookies.  All cookies tasted fantastic.  However, these cookies had a special bonus for me as a chronic pain sufferer.  People who take lots of pain medications may have extra special needs for fiber.  If you can’t figure out why, I’m not going to tell you.  However, I will tell you that these cookies were delicious antidepressants and had a regularizing attribute that cheered me up even more.  As it were.

This recipe is a modification of the King Arthur Flour Baker’s Companion “Chewy Oatmeal Raisin Cookies.”

2 1/4 c (9 1/2 ounces) unbleaked all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons cinnamon (preferably Vietnamese or something else with bite)

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon allspice

5 1/4 ounces butter

2 tablespoons vegetable poil

2 1/4 cups (18 ounces brown sugar)

2 large eggs

1/2 c (4 oz) plain yogurt.

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

3 cupts (10 1/2 ounces rolled oats)

3/4 cup (4.5 oz) chocolate chips

3/4 cup (4.5 oz) dried cherries

Preheat oven to 350.

Sift together dry ingredients and spices (not including oatmeal), set aside.

Cream butter, oil, and brown sugar.

Add the eggs.

Beat in yogurt and vanilla.

Stir in oats, chocolate, and cherries, then add the flour mixture in 3 additions, beating well.

Drop cookies from a tablespoon onto baking sheets.  Bake for 14 mins.  Don’t let them brown or they will be crisp rather than chewy.  Put on rack, or eat right out of the oven.  Keeps well in an air-tight container, if there are any left.

Sometimes I wish fall would hurry up and be over soon.  If you have to have cool, damp weather, then at least you need a good, hard frost to kill off the ragweed.

I was struck by how much of the car buying process I did right the last time I bought the little Honda beast.  But as I read this article, especially about those poor neurotypical salesmen perfecting their handshakes, I came up with an entire set of new ways to mess with car salesmen in the future.

The weakest link may be the handshake.

When the salesperson puts a little pressure on your hand, don’t push back. Fall down. Get upset and threaten to sue.

Look at his hand. Say “When did you last wash your hands?” If he can’t answer, don’t shake.

Or say, “I’m sorry, it’s flu season.” Or “I just sneezed into my hand. Do you have a tissue?” or “It’s against my religion to shake hands.” Offer to shake feet instead.

Then, when they get to the four square sheet, you let them start writing and say “I can’t buy that.” When he asks why, tell him that the color ink he used is unlucky. Make him do it over. Complain that he changed the numbers (which he might have done anyway).

Who knows.  If I get a break in the workflow, maybe I’ll go mess with some car salesmen just for practice.

I was not in the mood to buy something.  I was especially not in the mood to buy something from someone who couldn’t be bothered to shave his upper lip.  I was, in fact, in the worst possible mood for some random street salesman to approach me.  As if there is ever a good moment.

I asked him, “What would you do with the sun if you caught it?”

He kind of stares at me.  “Well, uhm, I’m not really sure why you asked me that question.”

I replied, “You’re trying to sell me a sun-catcher.  What would you do with the sun if you caught it?”

He gave a nervous laugh and tried to explain, not very well, what a suncatcher was, with reference to “you can buy them on the internet,” which is an interesting generational marker of no use in answering my question.

I eventually interrupted him.  “Well, if you don’t know what to do with the sun if you caught it, what am I supposed to do with it?”

The light changed.  I began crossing; I had to make a diagonal cross before the light changed, so I was walking as fast as I could what with the thunder in my head. He tried to follow me.

“Well,” he said, “thanks for your time.”

Of course, I answered like an Aspie.  “It was only yours until the light changes.”

I bet he told the folks back at Church stories about me.

Murphy Bullwhip Crack

Whips are kind of like golf clubs.  No one who plays golf can get way with just one club, because there are many different ways to smack a golf ball around.  My last couple of purchases were to gratify the urge to outside on a nice day and make loud noises in the park, maybe learn a couple of different cracks, and see if I can get the full range of motion back in my left arm.

The new toy is for winter days when it’s too nasty to go outside, and you’re stuck inside with low ceilings and nothing much to do but target work.

by Steve Huntress of Northeast Whips

This whip was a special request fulfilled for me by Northeast Whips.  It is a snake whip with a total length, including cracker, of 36 inches.  I got interested in a short snake after I modified my David Morgan to take a replaceable popper.  I can’t remember if it was long enough to hit the ceiling before the mod, but it certainly was afterward.  Now it will never be too long to use inside my house, even if the original popper wears out.  Since it’s paracord, it only set me back $65.  It’s also washable, and the replaceable popper has hygiene advantages.  It needs some serious breaking in, but I can get a little crack out of it already.

Mm crack!